I HATE BUTLER HIGH SCHOOL

Well as the title suggests I HATE Butler! OMG this school has stressed me out sooooooo much this week! Well this Friday Homecoming is coming up and I want to bring my boyfriend. Thing is he goes to another school and I have to sign him in as a guest. Simple enough right? Well not with Butler high school it isn't. Monday morning i find out from a friend that they put out the guest forms in the office last week they failed to say or give out any information about it. So I rush to the office get a paper find out it has to be done by the next day! I ask someone in the office if i can get it faxed at lunch. They said oh yea of course you can. Lunch rolls around and they flat at tell me no we are not faxing them thats YOUR responsibility.. WTF why wont you do you fucking job? Who has a fucking fax machine at their home? Whats next a telegram?? A messager pigeon? Well after i yelled at the office ladies telling them how rediculess and inconvenient they make everything i go to lunch and ask Mr. Reedy about it. And he says to come to his office at the beginning of 6th period. So i do and i tell him how Shaun was a former Butler student and yada yada and he looked him up and sure enough he signed it and everything was fine. To think that was all i had to do.... TOTAL BULL It stressed me out soo bad the WHOLE day. Im Soo thankful that Butler has at least one really reasonable person in its faculty.

Then of course we have our wonderful compass test! What a total waste of time seeing as we are gonna have to take it again in college anyway. They say oh this will help you, when in reality we are only taking it because the school doesn't really prepare you for college and to show they are "making and effort" this is what they have come up with to make the school look good.

Then we have the matter of my damn car. Why do people have to be soo stupid? So we take the title so we can transfer the car from my dad's name to my moms (if it was in mine rite now my insurance would be 3 times higher) Well when we took it to the licence branch turns out the Notary didn't sign the last part she was supposed to. FML and im gonna have to pay taxes on it even though its already past January 1st. So either we take it to the court house and get it notarized or we can try and get the notary that signed it to sign it where she didn't.

Now I pray that tomorrow I get a break and have a GOOD freaking DAY! Tomorrow is homecoming so it better happen! Me and Shaun are defiantly going. Ive been looking forward to this for awhile so it better be good and tomorrow is  me and Shaun's 10 months so that will be a good date/ something for us to do on this occasion. Im soo happy im with him. If i didn't have him idk what id be doing but it thanks to him that he can calm me down in times like these. I love you Baby <3 Lets have fun tomorrow, and dance the night away! We'll be the only two people in the world. Well at least in our world <3

Christmas Drama! X_X

Well once again theres been another inncident reguarding child support. Something that shouldnt even be brought to me or any of my business. My mom cashed both checks that my dad owed her and thats when the shit hit the fan. My dads truck broke down for a week and then later he was fired and then the next day found a new job. Apprently my dad was very "low" on money and they have been "going without food" Which is totally bull shit cause i know what goes on there. So because he was so mad at my mother for taking money that she is by all means ENTITLED to. He decides to tell me that he's gonna put a lean on my car. I was so pissed because why should i have to suffer because he cant learn to handle his money? Ever since i was born my dad has always been one of those who has to keep up with the jones and spend spend spend! When he wants something he gets it and doesnt think about or care about his actions. Yea their starving yet they make WEEKLY payments on a RENT A CENTER big flat screen tv and a stand? Common sense would tell u to take the tv and stand back to free up some money for food? Also they have a 32 inch tv why couldnt they have used that instead of going out to RENT that tv? not to also mention that my grandma or tammy's sister would let them go without eatting. This is some major bull shit. My dad tried to say he had already put a lean on his lawnmower and his "star wars toys" WTF no bank is gonna give u any kind of loan on some kids toys dumb ass. And also since he appearently took out a 500 dollar loan a week before theres no way he can take out another until he pays off the last one. Im just done i cant believe my own FATHER would try to make money off of my things, he didnt even buy me that car my uncle troy did. And now i want it in my name and thats exactly what im going to do. I dont care if i have to pay the taxes on it. Its mine and i want it along with my other stuff at his house. When I get everything from there im done with him. Im tired of him acting like a child. He doesnt care about me nor does he want to take on the responsibility of having a kid. Im sorry you have to pay child support but uknow its not my fault, i didnt get to choose my parents. Im DONE with you. Youve hurt me enough for the past 6 years of you never being around. The years where I needed a father the most...

Death, War & Love

Well its been awhile since ive been on here. Theres been so much thats been going on lately. Bad and good. So well start where we left off. Im finally 18 and you would think things would change once you hit that point in your life but no they dont its pretty much the same which is some bull shit but oh well. Anyways someone very important to Shaun recently died and that was so sad, I was there for Shaun most of the time. And him and his family are doing a bit better from my opinion but hopefully this Christmas will be good for them even tho to them it wont be the same :'(. Alot of times I just wish i could do soo much more for shaun.

As for me and Shaun weve been doing pretty good. Going on 9 months that we've been together. I love him to death and I see myself always being with him. Here lately we've been fighting alot and its both ours faults I believe, but i think I can understand were his change in mood is from... he cant help it. I just wish we could stop fighting as much cause its always over the dumbest shit. Alot of times hes grumpy and doesnt tell me why and that makes it worst im just glad hes starting to stop that. I need to work on my anger, ive had so much for so long, sometimes I fuck up and say the wrong things and im soo sorry for that.

Now for something positive, So over thanksgiving break Shaun went with me to spend the weekend at my dads. GOSH IT WAS THE BEST WEEKEND EVER. After that weekend i felt sooo much closer to him. We had sooo much fun. Whats bad is that little butt knows what I got him for christmas! haha oh well i know he got me the new Zelda for christmas!! haha Anyways I love Shaun soo much he's unlike any guy in the world. He's true, handsome, caring, honest, fun, random, loving etc etc. No one makes me more happy than him. Me and him really want to get married cause we just know thats how its gonna be. I want to be married to him more than i want anything. I want to fully belong to him. I want him to fully be mine. Sure we fight but we always get over it fast and our bond with eachother is strong. I can't wait for the day when he pops the question, he says ill never expect it hehe thats so cute <3 That day will be the best day of my life. I want to be with him and only him forever. And when he took me to see Breaking Dawn and they had the honeymoon he kissed me and told me im not telling you where were having our honeymoon <3 hehe isnt that just soo cute? But I definently know what song me and Shaun will dance to first when we get married. And that is A thousand Years by Christina Perri. That is our song <3 haha I think God for giving me such an amazing person to have by my side and always be there for me. If it wasnt for shaun lord knows where id be now. Gosh 5 more damn months and im out of school! then i can work at UPS and go to JCTC and FINALLY MOVE DA FUCK OUT with shaun of course, we've been saving for a while haha. I cant wait for that.

OMG FINALLY OCTOBER!!! AND ALMOST 18!

Well hello there its certainly been awhile since i posted on this! haha Well as the title suggests it finally october which is my most favorite month of the year, not jus because my birthday is this month i just enjoy halloween and the start of the beautiful fall season <3 also me and Shaun's 7 months is this month :3

Well im excited for shaun's upcoming birthday, cause i just cant wait to give him what i got him. i really hope he likes it which he will. Hard to believe we'll both be 18 this month, finally legal adults, in a way its exciting and in another its scary, it calls for so much more responsbility, luckly we have eachother to lean on. Shauns like my BFF he just gets me like no other, and we love eachother with ever fiber of our being. its a real great feeling having someone like him. :3 I got to meet his brother yesterday, and we all went out to eat at big boy lmao ((insider)) "i want some big boys!" Amber will know what im talking about lmao!! anways that was real fun yesterday. Im so happ for his family they seemed so much happier that he was back :D.

Well hopefully here oon Shaun gets his license and we can go where ever we want, we plan on going to the field of sceams sometime this month, i cant wait, ima make him get in the front! and hes like lemme get my poopsack for when i shit myself lmao! Any ways turning 18 is something i've been waiting for for a long time! To me its a symbol of freedom ut also its kinda scary, means life is finally real ima have to start working and paying bills and yada yada. I believe i can do it, ima have to if i plan on moving out wth shaun after high school, I believe its safe to say tht both of us hate living wit our parents and we wana get away as soon as possible. call us stupid but if only u knew. I know my mom threatened to kick me out about 2 weeks ago, so i must hurry, i gotta get shit together cause even tho shes says she didnt mean it i still dont trust her, i can't handle all these hateful vibes from her, i dont wanna be like her and i wont.

Anyways im sure ill be posting on  here again sometime soon. Theres gonna be so much going on this month :D Shaun if u are reading this which u most likely are I love u soo much baby and I can't wait for the things that are ahead for us :3 i cant wait to live with u and spend even longer or even forever with you baby. Your the only thing that keeps me going babe <3

Ups and Downs

So as of late Ive had my ups and downs, but let me first begin with something good. Friday August 12th I went with Shaun and his parents and uncle to Rough River and we were on a boat like all day haha it was the most amazing day ever. I was soo great spending the entire day with Shaun, like i was with him from 8AM to like 9PM it was the best day ever! Like I just love him soo fucking much, Ive never really felt this strong of a love or connection with someone, it feels great. All the time we spend together is the best he knows just how to make me smile, he makes me feel loved and safe when he holds me in his arms, i hated having to say goodbye when he dropped me off. With him I can just step out of my comfort zone, like I didn't care about how I looked or that my hair was a bloody mess, he even thought i was beautiful just like that :D shoo and i even farted on him 3 times lmao ive never done that to anyone.. well besides my parents lmao. Point is, he perfect for me and I love him, hes my everything and uknow I just wanna be with him forever <3 That day will add to another one of my favorite memories of us, and im sure there will be plently more that r even more amazing. haha not to mention we have some ideas for another boat trip ;) hehe he knows what i mean. And also I feel like his parents like me alot more now, and i really dont feel as shy around them and uknow I really like his parents, they r so very nice, and im thankful that they do so much for me and shaun, like picking me up and taking me home, letting me stay for dinner, and taking me and shaun places. It makes me feel alittle bad tho that my parents dont seem do much or show much interest in my relationship...

So for the bad part, well as of late ive acquired a toothache that like to wake me up at night, tis y im typing this till my meds kick in. Trying to get to my completely unreliable dentist seems impossible. And A sunburn on top of that isnt too thrilling either. I woke up this morning with little to no energy, all i wanted to do was lay in bed and rest. But I had a movie dat with the family to see the last Harry Potter (which was really good btw) and on the way there and back my mom makes her little comments about how stupid and useless I am, and yells at me when I ask for more details on certain things... I mean dont blame me for your stupid brake up, i could tell from the beginning it wouldnt work. Anyways we come home to find our dog abby made the house a mess while we were away, and mom threatened to take her away and take her to the pound. I cried alot cause of it, just when i thought i didnt care about dogs, that i hated them, I cried because I loved her and I didnt want her to go.. Every other dog ive had were always forcibly taken away from me, either by death or gotten rid of or ran away. Honestly I dont want that to happen anymore, sure living things do evenually die, but my dog chase was killed because some fat ass bitch didnt care for him, and i couldnt since my dad decided to move to columbia. Which brings me to another topic.. my dad who sat there in person and said to me and my moms face that he would pay half of my school fees, decided today that he wasnt gonna pay it, thats thats what child support is for, and its funny cause he hardly ever pays it. It really hurts to know that my own father doesnt even tae care of me and hasnt for the past like 5 years, it feels kinda like he walked out on me. I mean seriously what does he do for me? And another thing I hardly EVER see him. I feel so naive for not even realizing these facts, how foolish of me, but i think about hurt hes gonna feel once im out on my own, when i have a family and when I wont have any time for him. When i start working and have school, i wont have the time to come see him, I wonder how thatll make him feel?

Alright meds kicked in and its time for bed yet again, goodnight

Now for a Semi Happy Story!

Well its seems my uncle has really kept his proise to me! I FINALLY GOT A FUCKING CAR! FUCK YES! Its a 1997 Ford Escort! I mean Fords arent that great really but I wont complain at least its something! Its great to have the feeling of one huge obstacle out of the way. Heres a pic!

I'm excited about it! But with it comes a few more obstacles I must overcome, and that's getting my license and getting a job so I am able to pay for car insurance. It wont be easy but this time I wont give up I will try my hardest so that I can achieve my dreams of happiness and freedom. I really need a job rite now, I wanna save up enough money so that me and Shaun can move out and live together, I really cant wait for that day. Well I hope to be getting a job soon, I wanna work at Kroger's I guess ill look into it when school starts :D

Things that have Bothered me Lately

Well it seems like its been awhile since I posted a blog but this time around this blog is gonna be alittle personal. Ive had some lingering thoughts, thoughts that really bother me when i think of them and sometimes make me cry. It mostly has to deal with my family. When I sit and think about it its strange I just now come to the realization on how things really are.

It makes me so sad to feel like my dad doesn't even know me, and to feel like I cant depend on him when I need him. Ive barely seen him this past 5-6 years and its makes me sad that now that i think so many bad things about him even tho most r true, and that I'm kinda cutting my bond with him. He tells me he loves me and what not but hes never there. Sure ive gotten used to him not being around much, but from time to time it still affects me. All this time it feels like he hasn't been a real father to me and has let me down alot. He promised me he wouldn't move to the country until i was 18 but he did it when i was 13. He was person who added to my depression back then the other was me and my mom fighting all the time. I will admit he always toke my side in our arguments. Me and her would always fight, cause back then she said I put my dad on a pedestal when hes done me so wrong, and i was naive enough back then to deny it. But i realize now that i really did, and in all honesty it was both parents trying to pid me against the other. I chose either side now, but it was only recently that i realize how little my dad does for me and how much my mom really does for me. Yea my mom is a bitch and comes by it honest but she pretty much does everything besides a few things that my dad doesn't, and its pretty sad.

And whats sadder to me is that I have someone who makes me happier than I've ever been, someone that i feel such a strong connection with, and wanna be with for the rest of my life and it feels like he doesn't care. I mean my mom's met him and she likes him but my dad doesn't show any interest. I mean Shaun's parents really like me and I want my parents to really like Shaun, I want them to be happy for me. And another thing is that i wish I could have Shaun come over to either one of my houses, its sucks i just want things to be normal. uknow? I know it probably makes him feel bad that he cant cause my mom doesn't let me have people over and my dad more like my step mom doesn't want him there cause she thinks we'll have sex (even tho we wouldn't right now, shes just jealous cause my dad wont fuck her fat ass) its like all i want is for them to get to know him more and like him like Shaun's parents do me.

Another thing is that I think about is my high school graduation, who's going to show up? is my dad gonna miss it cause of work like he did my middle school graduation. is my step mom gonna be there? i know my mom will and my grandparents will definitely. But will my dad really come? And another thing is if me and Shaun were to get married how much of my family would really attend? I know my friends would of course but it bothers me on how much my family really cares about their family its like they only come together for funerals.

I wonder how much my dad or anyone will miss me once i start my life? perhaps things will change then. I'm just glad I have Shaun, hes my light and always makes me smile, I'm lucky to have a guy like him. My one wish has came true. I know he'll always be there for me.

Sorry if this blog was a bit depressing, it was just some thoughts i needed off my chest and to write down, this makes me feel alot better. Theres probably more detail i coulda added to this but ill save that for another day. :D