Well it seems like its been awhile since I posted a blog but this time around this blog is gonna be alittle personal. Ive had some lingering thoughts, thoughts that really bother me when i think of them and sometimes make me cry. It mostly has to deal with my family. When I sit and think about it its strange I just now come to the realization on how things really are.
It makes me so sad to feel like my dad doesn't even know me, and to feel like I cant depend on him when I need him. Ive barely seen him this past 5-6 years and its makes me sad that now that i think so many bad things about him even tho most r true, and that I'm kinda cutting my bond with him. He tells me he loves me and what not but hes never there. Sure ive gotten used to him not being around much, but from time to time it still affects me. All this time it feels like he hasn't been a real father to me and has let me down alot. He promised me he wouldn't move to the country until i was 18 but he did it when i was 13. He was person who added to my depression back then the other was me and my mom fighting all the time. I will admit he always toke my side in our arguments. Me and her would always fight, cause back then she said I put my dad on a pedestal when hes done me so wrong, and i was naive enough back then to deny it. But i realize now that i really did, and in all honesty it was both parents trying to pid me against the other. I chose either side now, but it was only recently that i realize how little my dad does for me and how much my mom really does for me. Yea my mom is a bitch and comes by it honest but she pretty much does everything besides a few things that my dad doesn't, and its pretty sad.
And whats sadder to me is that I have someone who makes me happier than I've ever been, someone that i feel such a strong connection with, and wanna be with for the rest of my life and it feels like he doesn't care. I mean my mom's met him and she likes him but my dad doesn't show any interest. I mean Shaun's parents really like me and I want my parents to really like Shaun, I want them to be happy for me. And another thing is that i wish I could have Shaun come over to either one of my houses, its sucks i just want things to be normal. uknow? I know it probably makes him feel bad that he cant cause my mom doesn't let me have people over and my dad more like my step mom doesn't want him there cause she thinks we'll have sex (even tho we wouldn't right now, shes just jealous cause my dad wont fuck her fat ass) its like all i want is for them to get to know him more and like him like Shaun's parents do me.
Another thing is that I think about is my high school graduation, who's going to show up? is my dad gonna miss it cause of work like he did my middle school graduation. is my step mom gonna be there? i know my mom will and my grandparents will definitely. But will my dad really come? And another thing is if me and Shaun were to get married how much of my family would really attend? I know my friends would of course but it bothers me on how much my family really cares about their family its like they only come together for funerals.
I wonder how much my dad or anyone will miss me once i start my life? perhaps things will change then. I'm just glad I have Shaun, hes my light and always makes me smile, I'm lucky to have a guy like him. My one wish has came true. I know he'll always be there for me.
Sorry if this blog was a bit depressing, it was just some thoughts i needed off my chest and to write down, this makes me feel alot better. Theres probably more detail i coulda added to this but ill save that for another day. :D
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